I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
