Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
