it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
