btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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