After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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