I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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