I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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