I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
being pregnant is like rehab
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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