you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
