I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
