ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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