you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
