Moan for me like Helen Keller
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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