Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
