Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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