he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
