Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
