I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
