Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize