I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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