you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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