Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
