I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
