I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
