Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
