We're facebook friends in real life
I cannot find my penis.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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