my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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