i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
