If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
jump out the window naked night went bad
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