I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
