y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
In other news, I just burned my penis
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
