Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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