I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
