Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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