Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize