remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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