There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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