In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
