After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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