Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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