I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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