Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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