if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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