need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
sarcasm needs its own font
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
