I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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