yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
