just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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