i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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