Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
