You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
