i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
