You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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