I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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