Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
