Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Randomize
