Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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