I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
