shes about as inviting as chlamydia
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
