you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
